You Are Here
2023 Youth Sunday
by Kara Toole
I believe that there are two types of people in this world. Those of us who mind-map while we drive and intuitively always make the right turn and those who use gps and still manage to get lost going well anywhere. If you think you’re somewhere in the middle now is a great time to reevaluate, I’ll wait. And perhaps there are one maybe two exceptions to this rule, but for the most part I’ve always known this to be true. For instance, my family is the perfect example. My father and I have always had excellent directional sense… I’ll leave it at that. I can remember being 8 and asked how to get to and from the grocery store or 11 and giving directions to brown summit middle school. (Sorry for those of you already lost that’s in Brown Summit). Anyway it was like a game, my dad quizzing me as we drove around the city. (My dad epically driving stick while I followed along with my cardboard petals and pencil gearshift). I remember always feeling very confident in my directional sense and then one day not so much.
My family officially joined college park in 2016 shortly after my parents had separated. My world had just been flipped upside-down and for the first time I was lost, or directionally challenged. Conveniently college park is a straight shot from my house so my mother sister and I didn’t have too difficult of a time getting here. In fact I think it had to have been the only place we knew how to go because boy did we spend a lot of time here. Chatting with Lin about changes and what it was like living in two households or talking with Michael about processing the recent events and mourning the separation of my family. (You know, boring grown up stuff). But soon my mother and sister had found community. Community without judgement or I’ll intentions. (Thanks by the way). And despite my hard caught efforts, I too found community when I joined the youth group. And suddenly I was no longer lost. I was surrounded by caring members of the congregation, resilient youth leaders who became my role models, and a badass group of like-minded teens who just wanted to run around and throw stuff at each other. Man, it was awesome! Over the next several years I became particularly close with folks in the youth group and congregation and finally I had found a place. A good place. And when things would get hard at school or I’m friendships I could come here. When I needed advice or a distraction I could come here. And when things continued to fall apart at home I could come here. I would wander off track and lin would pull me back in. I would screw up and Adam team would kindly shove me in the right direction. I would forget who I was and my youth friends would remind me exactly why I belong. Despite the many trials my family faced, here I was always found.
Sadly this March things changed again for the worse. The past 8 years of my life had led up to this moment. The let downs and pain had taught me to have strength. And I believed I had pregrieved this moment, but when it came I learned that you can never prepare to lose a part of yourself. In the few minutes prior to the confirmation of my dad’s death I prayed. In this dreadful moment, the most painful thus far it was just me and God. I sat alone and prayed that God was hugging my dad, holding him extra close just for me. At the time it was the only source of comfort I had. But quickly that changed. College park, the community here jumped into action and provided my family with everything we needed. Isaac cravey was the first person I called after my dad passed. Sarah harris reached out the following day, along with Michae, Lin, and many of the youth sponsors who visited bring flowers, food, and an abundance of hugs. Elijah pickard sat with me at church that Sunday. Ben Kirkman continues to check in at youth. And Bella cough Lin and Jazmin Allen-Gregory have been my rocks and greatest escapes during this time. It was you, all of you who picked me up and showed me unconditional love. It was this church and God’s presence here that have pushed me forward these past two months. This has allowed me to feel a sense of security as I’ve begun to process the loss of my dad. In this time of mourning and grief my faith has not wavered, but instead has grown. I am encouraged by my father.
When we first realized he was actively dying almost a year ago, I was faced with a hard question. My dad, an ex-minister and professor of Eastern religion, had not been to church in years. I was worried that his illness had corrupted his faith along with his mind and body. I feared hearing the words “No, I don’t believe in God” as much as I feared his disease. When I finally gained the courage to ask him, I was met with great shock. “Of course I believe in God, of course I seek to know God, that will never change.” And with that great relief overcame me. Even as his body gave out, and his mind betrayed him, his faith never decomposed. In his most grueling days he held onto his love and deep passion for God, which is what allows me to do the same. With God by my side and my father in God’s arms I’ve been able to appreciate God’s mercy and find peace.
Over the past 8 years of my life as I’ve continued to find my way college park and my faith have lifted me up and supported me, showing me the importance of being vulnerable, forgiving, and loving. And although I am still lost and just getting back on my feet, I thank you for actively seeking me out.
In a way I feel like I’m 11 again, beginning a new chapter, struggling to find my way, and grieving. But this time it’s different, this time I have a fierce community backing me, lifelong friends and mentors, an incredible family, and my father and God who continue to move me in the right direction, which currently points me towards ministry, where I hope to pay forward all that I’ve learned from this church. Thank you for being a light and for guiding me down a brighter path.
